Haih

What a pathetic me... First post ady sad, second post, sad again...
President, this "president" is not fun to be around of, when people called you president, what you'll be having is much of stress, den follow by depression and sadness. That is what I feel so far after this MMU Buddhist Society established. Those things which I can do, I already done, but yet the result is much more differ from my target, the bad side instead. I think this is totally a first big failure I think I had in my life. What a disappointment for being a leader.

3rd sem 08/09 can say very disappointing... we talk about midterm first. im glad that my statistic passed, and it is a miracle. All the while, my add math is the worst. I just dont feel like doing any exercise, but if Im so spirited to do so, it is already time to die. Statistic is a nightmare for me. Try to have a flashback, during im in foundation, statistic is the subject that make me need to take supp exam, and it really do well, as a nightmare. Luckily Im able to pass that subject and continue to my beta year. what was sad is for marketing ... totally a fail ... bt cannot comment much on that, bcoz i didnt study so much, and i dont have a mood to ...

Buddhist Society Launching Event... The first event ever that Im the director, and as the club president. I think my mind is still distorted because of my failure as a director. Why would things turn like this even though I had already sacrifice most of my time thinking everything, include those very detail things... just sad T.T

why there is no slide during singing of permata dunia, triple gem song and anthem of unity. I REMEMBERED how much time, my effort i use to prepare the slides, hope I can make it the best,for everyone. In the end, turn up nothing... truly nothing... nothing display, even the slides, it is inside my pocket that particular time, i cannot do anything with it. Coordination error ? I thought I'd said that IF U WANT TO HAVE PERMATA DUNIA, U BETTER MAKE SURE THAT U HAVE THE LYRICS SLIDE. In the end ... haih... bcoz of this, my mood really spoilt for the night. i tried so much to calm myself that night, even the sharing session, i still cannot control my anger because what was done is really far from what i can forgive ... i tried to close my eye, but it just open back automatically and the anger visited me again. what a chaos inside me. and what a chaos happening around.

PR...again ... why u still can ask "where is sri zamrud" where the VIP is almost to reach ? no preparation was made, even no people standing by. I thought you are very capable of doing things, but in the end, it ends up ... haih ... Throughout the performance night, preparation, pre-preparation, and letters, VIP, deal with stad, sosc, business unit, all by myself. I just could said that what is within my limit, i already do it. PR ...I'd already decide that what attire that you all should wear, clearly ... but why came out is so colourful ? it is not a wrong thing to be so colourful, but when i reach to the car park at CLC, I still wonder is that person for buddhist society event ? or another event going on ?

what a sad thing to say... i dont even recognize my own working comm... even though im not, they should have reacted to me because my car got VIP for launching event. Nobody ever approach me to ask if im going for the event, or anything to help...
Im not writing this to blame anyone, as I can understand also some the committee members are really really really a newbie... Until now, I still do not understand why people dont act as the way I thought they would react to the case ??? Is the thing really that complicated ?! No !! Bcoz im doing much more complicated things that they do, and I never give any sound to anyone. I never complaint because all these thing I did was what Im suppose to do. Even if Im not suppose to do it, I cannot just see things just destroy infront of my eyes. That is my commitment towards myself, that I wont give up things that easy.

There was a meeting earlier, and I start to feel again if Im really capable of being the president of buddhist society ??!! The thing which I'd like to express here is, what im expressing from the starting of the meeting, until when I feel want to end the meeting, they are still discussing method to deal with this thing, though IM ALREADY EXPLAIN IT FEW TIMES, and I keep repeating myself, but they just do not understand. Was it my problem ? or their problem? If yes, why ? If no, why ?? what i can say is, inside this committee, there is a few im well noe of their ability, and they would work well with me. i can know what you want to talk to me before you even finish your sentence, with your eye, and ur attitude, and how u deal with things. Sometimes, thing arent so complicated as you all think of, and im a person who dont like so complicated thing, i just want to simplify everything and make everyone better off. thats all. Im also a person that dont like any limitation place on me. Do not set a limit where you wish to achieve, but it is not possible. There is no need for us to do things which is impossible to do. We're well inform of what is our strength and weakness, i think if you dont, you can ask me directly, and im not so fierce what ? just ask if you dunno... you dont need to do something that is not fit with ur target, with the current situation. What is cannot remain cannot, and vice versa. We no need to push and force ourself to do what people expect of us.

people expecting much from us oh ? so what ? we're short of manpower, and they want to see something, yet they dont want to contribute anything. what a lame thing to say. what i want to say is some people is talking very much, yet they dont do anything. just watch and see. why should i let u see what i got ? i can just keep to myself what i got... you dont do what people think of you, but what you need to do is just be yourself, right ? anyone ??

After the first event, and just now that meeting, the feeling that I had was totally the same... one word, SAD... I think I failed to guide my committee, even in a number of 13 people, I just dont have time to distribute whatever Im having on my hand. So, I'll just do it myself. You'll think, what a noob am i, a president doing everything... I got no choice. Even Im very very busy, everyone else still cant help me even just a single simple thing. They are busy, so am I. I wonder why I still leave myself in a situation like this. I can just dont do anything, but im not willing to see everything just ruin like that.

My body still havent fully recover from the previous sickness. I'd already cough and sick from before the event, until today. Is it destined ? Why we cannot just have what we want ?
Now, I already lost my spirit. What I had last time, it is no longer with me. Confident ? no ... I think I need to find out my reason to continue fight on, just like inside gundam, the reason to fight. At least, they have a reason for themself, but im still thinking what really my reason is ...