想 ~ 想...

今天早上，又突然间梦见她了，还有好多好多的朋友。

是对她的思念吗？ 还是就也对其他朋友的思念 ~

现在，正是要决定工作的时刻，我真的每一刻都在想着未来要怎样规划，怎样走。自己一个人走的路，一定不简单了。都不知道现在能怎样。。。肠胃从那时候就一直不舒服。。。就这样啊。。能怎么办。。

昨天晚上看了犀利人妻，突然得到了一个感想：

生活，不能就让稳定带过一切。
稳定，久而久之就会使生活变得古燥乏味。
人生，需要有时候释放自己，宠一宠自己，爱一爱自己，让自己都保​持在最佳状况。
未来，岂不就是一直在变化。
变化，来探望我们的时候，我们就不能措手不及。
跳出框框看一看自己一路以来的表现，就会看得更多，看得更懂，看​得更清楚 ~ 这样，面对生活也就快乐了一些些 ~ 好过没有 ~

的确，人就是这样，习惯了，就对身边的事情误以为然，理所当然，但事实是，每一样事情，都是别人的一份用心。理所当然，并非是一个回敬的方式。

变化来的时候，就得坦然接受，男子汉大丈夫，心胸那么狭窄，怎么当男的？

说回一句自己的名言：如果这些都不必要，那么人与人处事的容忍，宽容，了解，体谅，这些等等的字，用来做麽？？ 哈哈哈 ~ 对不对？

就这样咯 ~

另一个故事，到了一段落

事情发生得那么快，那么突然。。。

我这一次回去，计划好了很多东西跟她一起做，可是现在只是说完就算了。

我们，已经分手了。

这一句话对我来说，真的很伤。在还没考虑跟她在一起的时候，我已经想了很远，很远，可是走得来的却只是这一两步。。

当时候，决定跟她在一起，也绝了心要对她很好很好，决不能让她流下泪，不能伤害她，她好就是好！

以前我曾伤害过一个女生，为了小事跟她发脾气，分手后，过后一段时间，虽然面对着她，可是我都不知道应该怎样对她才好。我只能在她身边默默的保护她，怎知道还是发生了那么多误会，把友情都摧毁了。

准备的草戒指，虽然还未全部完成，爱情扑满，好努力折的一个玫瑰，都收回起来了。未成品，我被逼按着良心把它遗弃了。

为什么总是要违背自己的良心做事情啊 !?

为什么我总是没有选择的余地 !?

为什么感情总是那么的失败 !?

为什么？为什么！？我真的很想呐喊出来，可是我一想起这些，眼泪更想一滴一滴的离开我。。。

眼泪，最近都陪伴着我。她永远都不知道，自从那个夜晚起，眼泪总是陪着我度过我的夜晚，另外一天我都不能出去见人了。除了眼泪的陪伴，我的夜晚总是那么长，才睡两个小时，我却不能入睡了。

看着电话，看着她写的每一个讯息，但是，只能看，什么也不能做了。

事情已经一个星期了，她已经慢慢的疏远我。知道的朋友问我，你没挽回吗？你，不想挽回吗？你，不爱她吗？好多的话语，都往我心里吞去了。有时一堆一堆的真心话，又再次被我按着良心，这一些话都没说出来。

我要寻找我的未来，她也是一样，所以彼此就分开了。

跟她在一起，那一些感觉从来没淡过，可是我真的不知道怎么突然那么压力，突然想那么多，突然什么都没有了。。。

两个人在一起，必定要一些自己的时间来处理自己的事情。工作，学业过于忙碌，肯定也会有时间相处的吧？万事无绝对，这是我相信的一点。

想回之前，我那天还特地提早过去马六甲找她，希望能陪伴她，至少能教她叫她做功课，读书，然后有什么就能够谈一谈...

毕竟我真的爱她，如果她选择放弃，而她自己又能幸福，我不能抓着不放... 我选择尊重她的决定

按着自己的良心，把尊重放在头上，你说傻不傻？

这一个月多的感情，彼此都已经开始习惯对方，怎么突然就这样把我推开，把我推下悬崖，真的是半个机会都不给我。。。

这一个星期以来，我都很努力很努力的鼓励自己，做到更好，我现在应该比较好了，想了很多东西，也是时候要去改变一下，过一个不一样的人生。

带着这些遗憾，不知道自己究竟能走多远~ 可能到时候累了停下了，身边亦是没有能依靠的能量，没有能说心事的朋友。。

Absolute, no ??

In our daily life, we often have to made some choices, and give some answer for the person who requested so. In exams, sometimes we might meet with some MCQ question, is either ABCD, or sometimes even E. But in the real world, doesnt that mean life just with a yes or no ? an A, B, C or D will settle everything ? I'll answer you sadly, no. I believe in this world, nothing can be so absolute.

One example that I thought of earlier of today is that, is democracy really that democracy ? This is very depend to situation, to the people who controlling, and many factors around. There is always a group of people supporting this, which we make it symbolic as A, and is a good side. Where there is A, there is always B appear, which also have people supporting them, and a dark side. For me, I view democracy as a fair system, but when people who controlling that said yes means yes. Said no means no. At that time, there is nothing called democracy.

If democracy really exist, there must be someone who is "democratic" enough to have the power to rule the world, or to control certain thing, then only A and B will be controllable.

Before this, I always thought that woman is always mafan or annoying, and need to take care many things. But again the real world proof to me that some guys have the same problem as well, and I cannot said woman is troublesome as a whole, and I feel this very unfair to them. So, I start to realise everything else isnt that absolute as well.

Written on March 2009

Posted July 2011

Return of the Legendary

Around few months ago also, I feel that I'd realise what I want to be, and what I really want. But things changed 180 degree when during the final exam, I keep thinking and thinking the problem continuously, hoping that it can lead to a conclusion. After that, only I know that I'd been defeated again, not by whom, maybe by myself, and the environment. Not able to get use to the environment will cause much failure. From the first post until this one, Im still in failure, and I dont deny that I failed. That is the reality and reality often dissapoint us. A friend of mine told me that you must keep fighting, keep trying until the end. Yes, I did so, but still fail. You cannot say that I never do well enough, and what I did had been acknowledge by other people. Even say to regret, but at these time, I got no space or even a single chance to regret on my decision, because there is no point for me to regret. If regret will bring me back to the time, then I think maybe I'll try to regret once and see how is the situation. Haha...
At the very least, dont regret on your decision you'd ever made. If not, the decision will haunt you till the very last second of your life. Cheer up.
Btw, why this is called the return of the legendary ? Once upon a time, I used to call myself a legendary general sun. General Sun is a nickname developed by myself through a game. Why I choose sun is because sun can shine so brightly and really can make use of yourself to help, to guide and to teach others. But apparently this sun start to tired, but hopefully it will shine back. Give him one year time to proof everything :D Legendary will strikes back ~

Passion

Few months ago, I realise that dissapointment kill my everything, passion for life.
I got no more reason to continue study, although I have to study.
I got no more reason to get a great result, because there is no motivation for doing so.
I got no more reason to continue as a president of mmu buddhist society, although still in my mind, but I have to keep on struggling, because this society is like a son of mine. I just cannot let go so easily and let other people to spoil it. If want to break it, also Im the one who break. Thus, here is the quotation from me : 被别人折磨，不如自己折磨自己( It is better to make yourself suffering rather than suffering that caused by the others to you ). I'll continue this in Malay, because I feel it is more kampung, and indeed, im a kampung boy ~ hahaha ~

Kalau orang lain mampu menyebabkan sengsara ke atas diri anda, kenapa dia mempunyai kuasa yang sebegitu untuk buat benda sebegini ke atas anda ? Apa yang hebat sangat dengan dia tu ? Kalau macam ini, lebih baik anda sendiri yang membuat anda sendiri sengsara, itu akan membuatkan anda sendiri untuk rasa lebih baik kerana tiada siapa yang lebih berkuasa ke atas diri sendiri kecuali diri anda sendiri. Itulah yang membawa saya kepada kata-kata di atas. Mari kita sambung lagi.

Saya tidak mempunyai apa-apa sebab untuk mempunyai kekasih, kerana sudah tiada kuasa untuk menjaga diri saya, apa lagi untuk menjaga orang lain.
Selain itu, satu daripada kata saya telah memberi inspirasi kepada salah seorang kawan saya untuk berfikir lebih banyak mengenai dia, iaitu "anda adalah satu beban besar kepada ayah ibu dan orang lain sekitar dia". Itu bukanlah untuk mencaci dia, tetapi untuk menyedarkan dia bahawa apa yang dia lalukan, dia perlulah bertanggungjawab terhadap orang yang berjasa kepada dia. Sekiranya dia tidak bertanggungjawab terhadap diri sendiri, orang lain juga tidak berkuasa untuk membuatkan dia untuk bertanggungjawab terhadap dia sendiri. Seperti yang dikata saya sebentar tadi, orang lain tidak mempunyai kuasa terhadap diri sendiri, kecuali kalau anda tidak mahu berkuasa terhadapnya. Ada sekali, dia pernah memberitahu saya bahawa hidup ini memang penuh dengan beban.

One day, I'd find my friend to talk what is passion really about. What really the thing that bring you going forward in your life ? He said that since he was in university, he in love deeply with those regarding cultural, art and tradition. Dia merasa sungguh gembira dan penuh dengan semangat apabila dia bersama-sama dengan benda sebegini. Dia membuatkan kesenian sebagai salah satu daripada agenda dalam hidup dia, dan besar kemungkinan itulah yang sentiasa meggerakkan dia untuk terus maju ke hadapan. Walaupun kita tidak tahu apa yang ada di hadapan. Bercakap mengenai benda yang saya sukai, iaitu muzik. Dalam ingatan saya, semasa saya berada di dalam band sebelum spm saya, saya berasa sangat gembira dan memang menghayati saat saat dimana saya dalam latihan menyanyi lagu-lagu, dimana saya berpeluang untuk membuat persembahan di atas pentas, dan bersinar seperti matahari di atas pentas. Tetapi saat saat ini hanya boleh dikenangi sekarang. Saya berasa amat sedih kerasa sehingga sekarang, saya tidak mempunyai peluang untuk berbuat benda sebegini lagi. Tapi saya masih berharap untuk melakukannya, dan saya harap saya boleh. Pada masa itu, saya berasa amat sedih dan tidak tahu apakah arah sebenar saya, tetapi setelah mengetahui apa yang saya hilang pada mada ini, saya telah membuat keputusan untuk membuat apa yang saya mahu sahaja, lebih berfokus kepada bidang muzik, sebagai hobi saya sahaja, kerana akhirnya, impian dan realiti adalah berbeza dan kurang sekali artis muzik dapat menguasai apa yang dia ada dalam kerjayanya. Lebih-lebih sekali dalam Malaysia. Haha...

Saya akan menyambung satu lagi artikle dalam sekejap lagi. Semoga anda juga dapat mencari dan menyedari apa yang patut anda buat untuk menggerakkan anda. Sadhu ~

Life ...

I still remember that before this, the heart of me to establish a buddhist society in my campus would be a great thing, but apparently not after it establish. One of my friend said that dream is a dream, but when you realise that dream actually doesnt seems as what you which for, you will definately lost your direction, your passion and many more. Actually this somehow related to myself that happened. Firstly, what I hope for the buddhist society to look like is everyone is willing to share and care each other, work together well, and when I think back, yes, that is my dream. Compare to the condition now, oh no ... Haih.

I monitored myself for this whole sem, and realise that myself doesnt seems to be myself, because of what i react, what i done, what i thought of ... many things. The first thing is my academic. Although I'm not a very genius student, or wanted for a very very high grade for my exam result, but of course everyone would hope for the best in their exam. When thinking of this sem, I really think that what I've done so far is a failure. Even though people may think that you got your president and vice president, why you still fail ? I failed because the reality doesnt appear to be what I hope for, which the situation now is being worst than what I thought of. Inside class, I'd really hope that I'm able to concentrate, but I'd like to say that what the teacher teach is slowly making me feeling more and more sleepy, and I did try to concentrate everytime I go to his/her class, but end up still the same. Not saying Im not hardworking or dont want to go for the class, but since I learn nothing from the class, there is no more objective that need me to go for the class anymore.

Talking about the word "anymore", we always use "dont want anymore", and what causes that ? A passion towards one thing, normally if not for bad thing, is a very good thing because what makes you go and do one thing is that passion for a people to do a thing. That is what cause people to have momentum, strenght, and hope to live for. This "passion" is a very abtract thing. If it would appear infront of me, I'd like to question him/her something. The same thing as a person's heart. If I can question it,(i hope so), many things that I can give an appropriate answer. All this while, dissapointment really kill my passion, I think for everything. Why would I say so ? Let me start with an example first. If you're a worker of a company and your job is to sell the product, very often that your objective is to reach a certain target of sales quantity. You're also a person who like very much to deal with your customers, deal with people, as long as they are happy with the product. But recent economic crisis made you loss your customers, dissapointed you because you cannot reach some certain amount of sales. What is more important is you are not happy with what you are doing now anymore. The job for you is totally nothing, no value to you already. When this happen, there is where the dissapointment take place and soon will try to lost the hope for everything else. Lost passion to everything, to be passionate enough to continue live on and know what you are doing, as well as happy to the point you're living now. Haha... Sorry for giving you such a long example. But that is what really happen on me, but not as a salesman of course. Although Im able to make my first event successfully, everyone did enjoy a happy day, but when evaluating things, it doesnt appear to be so. Practically is one thing, but when on the paper where everything is just yes or no, the reality will appear to be cruel to everyone. The event fail in a quite serious situation, which I dont want to talk about anymore. Continue back to passion thingy, these kind of dissapointment slowly make me to avoid with things. For example, in some assignment group, when people trying to take me as a group leader, mostly I'll reject it because Im tired of leading people, and we cannot ignore that when there is people, there will be problems occur. There is another situation where people arguing with me about their point, and when the person appear to be a person that "cannot afford to lose" even though the truth is there, but he/she will definately argue until a never-ending. I often meet this kind of situation recently, and what I think is no matter how long or how you want to debate or argue with these kind of people, they or the thing will never solve. So the best thing is to avoid the conversation to continue. I hate this kind of situation actually. If really the person doesnt let me go, I'll definately challenge him until one is on the ground(i hope u understand this). Because of continuous meeting this kind of unsolve-able problem, avoidance and ignorance slowly taken my place.

Besides that, even in a relationship matter, I also avoid most of these. There is one time I dream at the night and I regain consciousness inside the dream, means that I can control what I want to do. When dealing with a girl or relationship, the first thing I'd ever do or appear in my mind is FLEE ! Go away as far and as fast as you can. LOL ! Haha... I think I will stay single for the rest of my life. But one thing I realise is woman sometimes is very "mafan/many things to take care". When you are in a relationship, where you go, what you eat, everything, you have to do a report for your girl friend. But also one thing I realise, nothing is absolute, because in reality, there are also some examples showed that guys are the same. I'll share more in the part of absolute or not absolute.

Haih

What a pathetic me... First post ady sad, second post, sad again...
President, this "president" is not fun to be around of, when people called you president, what you'll be having is much of stress, den follow by depression and sadness. That is what I feel so far after this MMU Buddhist Society established. Those things which I can do, I already done, but yet the result is much more differ from my target, the bad side instead. I think this is totally a first big failure I think I had in my life. What a disappointment for being a leader.

3rd sem 08/09 can say very disappointing... we talk about midterm first. im glad that my statistic passed, and it is a miracle. All the while, my add math is the worst. I just dont feel like doing any exercise, but if Im so spirited to do so, it is already time to die. Statistic is a nightmare for me. Try to have a flashback, during im in foundation, statistic is the subject that make me need to take supp exam, and it really do well, as a nightmare. Luckily Im able to pass that subject and continue to my beta year. what was sad is for marketing ... totally a fail ... bt cannot comment much on that, bcoz i didnt study so much, and i dont have a mood to ...

Buddhist Society Launching Event... The first event ever that Im the director, and as the club president. I think my mind is still distorted because of my failure as a director. Why would things turn like this even though I had already sacrifice most of my time thinking everything, include those very detail things... just sad T.T

why there is no slide during singing of permata dunia, triple gem song and anthem of unity. I REMEMBERED how much time, my effort i use to prepare the slides, hope I can make it the best,for everyone. In the end, turn up nothing... truly nothing... nothing display, even the slides, it is inside my pocket that particular time, i cannot do anything with it. Coordination error ? I thought I'd said that IF U WANT TO HAVE PERMATA DUNIA, U BETTER MAKE SURE THAT U HAVE THE LYRICS SLIDE. In the end ... haih... bcoz of this, my mood really spoilt for the night. i tried so much to calm myself that night, even the sharing session, i still cannot control my anger because what was done is really far from what i can forgive ... i tried to close my eye, but it just open back automatically and the anger visited me again. what a chaos inside me. and what a chaos happening around.

PR...again ... why u still can ask "where is sri zamrud" where the VIP is almost to reach ? no preparation was made, even no people standing by. I thought you are very capable of doing things, but in the end, it ends up ... haih ... Throughout the performance night, preparation, pre-preparation, and letters, VIP, deal with stad, sosc, business unit, all by myself. I just could said that what is within my limit, i already do it. PR ...I'd already decide that what attire that you all should wear, clearly ... but why came out is so colourful ? it is not a wrong thing to be so colourful, but when i reach to the car park at CLC, I still wonder is that person for buddhist society event ? or another event going on ?

what a sad thing to say... i dont even recognize my own working comm... even though im not, they should have reacted to me because my car got VIP for launching event. Nobody ever approach me to ask if im going for the event, or anything to help...
Im not writing this to blame anyone, as I can understand also some the committee members are really really really a newbie... Until now, I still do not understand why people dont act as the way I thought they would react to the case ??? Is the thing really that complicated ?! No !! Bcoz im doing much more complicated things that they do, and I never give any sound to anyone. I never complaint because all these thing I did was what Im suppose to do. Even if Im not suppose to do it, I cannot just see things just destroy infront of my eyes. That is my commitment towards myself, that I wont give up things that easy.

There was a meeting earlier, and I start to feel again if Im really capable of being the president of buddhist society ??!! The thing which I'd like to express here is, what im expressing from the starting of the meeting, until when I feel want to end the meeting, they are still discussing method to deal with this thing, though IM ALREADY EXPLAIN IT FEW TIMES, and I keep repeating myself, but they just do not understand. Was it my problem ? or their problem? If yes, why ? If no, why ?? what i can say is, inside this committee, there is a few im well noe of their ability, and they would work well with me. i can know what you want to talk to me before you even finish your sentence, with your eye, and ur attitude, and how u deal with things. Sometimes, thing arent so complicated as you all think of, and im a person who dont like so complicated thing, i just want to simplify everything and make everyone better off. thats all. Im also a person that dont like any limitation place on me. Do not set a limit where you wish to achieve, but it is not possible. There is no need for us to do things which is impossible to do. We're well inform of what is our strength and weakness, i think if you dont, you can ask me directly, and im not so fierce what ? just ask if you dunno... you dont need to do something that is not fit with ur target, with the current situation. What is cannot remain cannot, and vice versa. We no need to push and force ourself to do what people expect of us.

people expecting much from us oh ? so what ? we're short of manpower, and they want to see something, yet they dont want to contribute anything. what a lame thing to say. what i want to say is some people is talking very much, yet they dont do anything. just watch and see. why should i let u see what i got ? i can just keep to myself what i got... you dont do what people think of you, but what you need to do is just be yourself, right ? anyone ??

After the first event, and just now that meeting, the feeling that I had was totally the same... one word, SAD... I think I failed to guide my committee, even in a number of 13 people, I just dont have time to distribute whatever Im having on my hand. So, I'll just do it myself. You'll think, what a noob am i, a president doing everything... I got no choice. Even Im very very busy, everyone else still cant help me even just a single simple thing. They are busy, so am I. I wonder why I still leave myself in a situation like this. I can just dont do anything, but im not willing to see everything just ruin like that.

My body still havent fully recover from the previous sickness. I'd already cough and sick from before the event, until today. Is it destined ? Why we cannot just have what we want ?
Now, I already lost my spirit. What I had last time, it is no longer with me. Confident ? no ... I think I need to find out my reason to continue fight on, just like inside gundam, the reason to fight. At least, they have a reason for themself, but im still thinking what really my reason is ...

Sad Feeling

Suddenly I just feel that I want to post my feelings and thoughts to share with you.

I feel a bit sad and depress now because my cousin brother just passed away. He is a nice man, although me and him not frequently contact or seen each other. But he is still my cousin brother that watch me from baby to now grown up, and I normally during CNY, my parents will go to rompin and visit almost every relatives house and of course, include him.

During those time, we kids normally will gather together automatically as those elders talking to each other. Normally me and my brother will go and find for them as soon we reach their house because it is just like that ~ ~

In my memory, I remember once long ago where im still a child, in the same situation also, we use to play a ps(tv games) together in a room and he will guide us what to do and how to do... Battle tank, that's the name of the game(I not sure correct or not).

Yesterday when I heard about his situation saying that he involved in an car accident, I really hope that everything will went fine and I also prayed for him in my heart. But once I wake up in another morning, my cousin sister sms to me said that he'd passed away and straight away I told my mother about this also as my mother is their aunty. Same to him, my mother is one of those who look and care about him as he grow up, until now... I think those who had been gone through this before will understand the feeling.

The body then had been carry to temple for burning ceremony.(火葬) During the time, I as the younger, and his sister and cousin, payed respect to him. It gone through some procedures after that, and after that carried to the burning machine there.

Right until now about half day, I still feel depressed sometimes as our life still goes on. The atmosphere, feeling...

Life is just between a breath. We dont know what will happen right after another breath. So for those who loves your family, friends, relatives, make sure you care for your safety and dont let others worry about you. Live your life with meanings, because you may not know what will happen next to you.

生命就只在呼吸之间。一呼一吸，我们也不知道下一秒发生什么事。既然活在这个世界，活得没意义或有意义就看你怎样了，因为，选择就在你的手中。
相信或不相信，我们还是要经过生、老、病、死，这四个过程。这个是一个自然规律，没人能改变得了。所以活在当下，就应该感恩，活得精彩，不让生命留白。这一世做到人是一份福报，可能下一世我们都不懂将会去那里了。不要自暴自弃，因为这个是一个很愚蠢的行为，选择也在你手中。

愿大家平平安安，健健康康，快乐过日子。
Wish everyone healthy, safely and happily throughout the life.
~ ~ Shine like a sun, live like a sun ~ ~