Life ...

I still remember that before this, the heart of me to establish a buddhist society in my campus would be a great thing, but apparently not after it establish. One of my friend said that dream is a dream, but when you realise that dream actually doesnt seems as what you which for, you will definately lost your direction, your passion and many more. Actually this somehow related to myself that happened. Firstly, what I hope for the buddhist society to look like is everyone is willing to share and care each other, work together well, and when I think back, yes, that is my dream. Compare to the condition now, oh no ... Haih.

I monitored myself for this whole sem, and realise that myself doesnt seems to be myself, because of what i react, what i done, what i thought of ... many things. The first thing is my academic. Although I'm not a very genius student, or wanted for a very very high grade for my exam result, but of course everyone would hope for the best in their exam. When thinking of this sem, I really think that what I've done so far is a failure. Even though people may think that you got your president and vice president, why you still fail ? I failed because the reality doesnt appear to be what I hope for, which the situation now is being worst than what I thought of. Inside class, I'd really hope that I'm able to concentrate, but I'd like to say that what the teacher teach is slowly making me feeling more and more sleepy, and I did try to concentrate everytime I go to his/her class, but end up still the same. Not saying Im not hardworking or dont want to go for the class, but since I learn nothing from the class, there is no more objective that need me to go for the class anymore.

Talking about the word "anymore", we always use "dont want anymore", and what causes that ? A passion towards one thing, normally if not for bad thing, is a very good thing because what makes you go and do one thing is that passion for a people to do a thing. That is what cause people to have momentum, strenght, and hope to live for. This "passion" is a very abtract thing. If it would appear infront of me, I'd like to question him/her something. The same thing as a person's heart. If I can question it,(i hope so), many things that I can give an appropriate answer. All this while, dissapointment really kill my passion, I think for everything. Why would I say so ? Let me start with an example first. If you're a worker of a company and your job is to sell the product, very often that your objective is to reach a certain target of sales quantity. You're also a person who like very much to deal with your customers, deal with people, as long as they are happy with the product. But recent economic crisis made you loss your customers, dissapointed you because you cannot reach some certain amount of sales. What is more important is you are not happy with what you are doing now anymore. The job for you is totally nothing, no value to you already. When this happen, there is where the dissapointment take place and soon will try to lost the hope for everything else. Lost passion to everything, to be passionate enough to continue live on and know what you are doing, as well as happy to the point you're living now. Haha... Sorry for giving you such a long example. But that is what really happen on me, but not as a salesman of course. Although Im able to make my first event successfully, everyone did enjoy a happy day, but when evaluating things, it doesnt appear to be so. Practically is one thing, but when on the paper where everything is just yes or no, the reality will appear to be cruel to everyone. The event fail in a quite serious situation, which I dont want to talk about anymore. Continue back to passion thingy, these kind of dissapointment slowly make me to avoid with things. For example, in some assignment group, when people trying to take me as a group leader, mostly I'll reject it because Im tired of leading people, and we cannot ignore that when there is people, there will be problems occur. There is another situation where people arguing with me about their point, and when the person appear to be a person that "cannot afford to lose" even though the truth is there, but he/she will definately argue until a never-ending. I often meet this kind of situation recently, and what I think is no matter how long or how you want to debate or argue with these kind of people, they or the thing will never solve. So the best thing is to avoid the conversation to continue. I hate this kind of situation actually. If really the person doesnt let me go, I'll definately challenge him until one is on the ground(i hope u understand this). Because of continuous meeting this kind of unsolve-able problem, avoidance and ignorance slowly taken my place.

Besides that, even in a relationship matter, I also avoid most of these. There is one time I dream at the night and I regain consciousness inside the dream, means that I can control what I want to do. When dealing with a girl or relationship, the first thing I'd ever do or appear in my mind is FLEE ! Go away as far and as fast as you can. LOL ! Haha... I think I will stay single for the rest of my life. But one thing I realise is woman sometimes is very "mafan/many things to take care". When you are in a relationship, where you go, what you eat, everything, you have to do a report for your girl friend. But also one thing I realise, nothing is absolute, because in reality, there are also some examples showed that guys are the same. I'll share more in the part of absolute or not absolute.